" Hey, thank you yaaa.. sebetulnya Ada yg pengen aku ceritakan "curhat" hehe tp nunggu waktu yg pas aja "

and like you always did, I know nothing. It's not fair for me but I didn't complain because I like you and I respect your choice.

Maret 16th, 2022

Hi gimana kabar kamu? masih belum berdamai dengan dirimu sendiri? masih perlu waktu lebih buat sendiri?

I did know this relationship didn't work since the last day we met. Your act, your gesture showed everything. so this will be the last time I write a thing about you. 

January 12th, 2022

This time, I'm on a train with Lempuyangan station as destination. Yup, I choose to go to Yogyakarta just to meet you. I just want to clear up everything. I know we didn't contact again since I tried to show up my feelings. But today I'll swallow my pride to meet you. I know I have not contact you if I'll be in Yogyakarta for a day. I'm still confused should I contact you or not.

January 13th, 2022

The House of Raminten, Yogyakarta

Finally we met. A very awkward meeting. But I'm happy I can meet you. You still look the same. still look pretty. You should know before I choose to meet you I was so nervous. I'd be the most silly girl at that time. so funny to remember it.

November 20th, 2021

Her

Hey, how are you? are you busy? I need your help!

Him

Pretty good. Sure! How can I help you?

Her

I write an essay. I just need your 5 minutes to read it.

*send an essay with the titles " An Open Letter to Calm My Mind*

Hi YOU!

How’s there? Feeling better? I hope so.

Sebelumnya, I wanna say sorry if this things will get you annoyed. I know you’re going through hard time right now. I know you’re still dealing with yourself. I know it too well. But sorry my ego controls me. I choose to be selfish with saying this things. For simple reason, I wanna calm my mind and don’t wanna regret it someday. I’m sorry.

I know it’s not your first time to hear this things, but you should know this is my first time to tell someone about it. If you expect I’m fitria who met you in 2013, you’re wrong. I grew up a lot. Maybe she was an innocent, but now she’s learning to express what she feels.

It’s the second time you ignore me. The first time you ignored me several months ago I was so collapsed. Gimana bisa aku dan kamu yang stay in touch hampir 6 bulan atau lebih yaa tetiba jadi strangers dalam hitungan detik. Tiba-tiba kamu menghindar menjauh tak tersentuh haha. Back to the topic, sejujurnya aku tuh gk paham kenapa tetiba aku di ghosting wkwk. Tapi yang Namanya ghosting harusnya gak beralasan sih, but I’m a lil bit curious, Did you have someone new? Or maybe your ex tried to reach you again? Dan di sisi lain betapa bodohnya aku yang Keep wondering what I did wrong, blaming myself because don’t know what to do and crying. I bet you didn’t know how it feels. But, as time goes by, finally I forced myself to realize that you’re just curious. It was just one-sided feeling. You showered me attention because you’re really cared with your friends. I tried to move on but I moved slowly because sometimes I still miss you. I miss your name popped up on my notifications. I miss our conversations. I miss your attention.

Then, you came again when I finally take a new step. Honestly, I felt happy when you contact me again. It’s like I got what I asked in my prayer. But it goes again. You did the same thing twice ‘ignoring me’. I don’t know why but finally I’m used to it. Hey, we’re adult. If you don’t like me, please tell me. If you don’t wanna talk to me, please don’t ignore me. I think we’re alike so that’s why I fall for you easily. I’m okay if you don’t contact me every minute or hour because I don’t like someone texts me 24/7. I think you don’t like someone getting too attached with you and so do I. I hope I know your condition once a day and that’s really enough. Just tell me if you’re busy or can communicate for several days.

I am 26 almost 27 and it’s not time for me to play anymore. No, I am not asking you to have any relationship with me. I know you’re still busy with your career and everything that happen in your life. You’re not ready for commitment. I know it too well. But I just wanna make it clear everything. I guess you’d know how I feel towards you. I think I showed up too much. It’s impossible if you don’t know it, haha. I know I’m stupid girl who fall for you from the text even if we’ve never met since 2014. I don’t know when I start having this kind of feeling. Maybe since you sent me a birthday cake atau mungkin jauh sebelum itu? I don’t know. Sebenernya from the first time you texted me, aku udah buat batasan that we’re just friend. But when we started talking everything, saling berbagi kabar, finally aku lupa batasan yang aku buat. I change my mind and make you as a special one. How stupid I am!

I bet you know I admire you but it doesn’t mean you can hit and run me. Please don’t do it. It’s cruel and I don’t like it! So pleaseee help me get to know your feeling. Please say that we’re friends, you don’t have any feelings toward me and you don’t wanna be with me. It helps me a lot to erase this feeling. Then, Stop texting me, berhenti bertanya kabarku dan keluargaku. I can make it sure we’re still friends but gimme time to let you go. So please let me heal myself first and let me close this book, open another book and meet new one. This feeling really hits me too bad. I’ll contact you later when I can deal with my feelings.

Lastly, Thank you for reading all of this shit things that I try to tell you since few months ago. Finally I did it.

The girl you didn’t want,

F N