"  Hey, thank you yaaa.. sebetulnya Ada yg pengen aku ceritakan "curhat" hehe tp nunggu waktu yg pas aja " and like you ...

" Hey, thank you yaaa.. sebetulnya Ada yg pengen aku ceritakan "curhat" hehe tp nunggu waktu yg pas aja "

and like you always did, I know nothing. It's not fair for me but I didn't complain because I like you and I respect your choice.

Maret 16th, 2022

Hi gimana kabar kamu? masih belum berdamai dengan dirimu sendiri? masih perlu waktu lebih buat sendiri?

I did know this relationship didn't work since the last day we met. Your act, your gesture showed everything. so this will be the last time I write a thing about you. 

January 12th, 2022

This time, I'm on a train with Lempuyangan station as destination. Yup, I choose to go to Yogyakarta just to meet you. I just want to clear up everything. I know we didn't contact again since I tried to show up my feelings. But today I'll swallow my pride to meet you. I know I have not contact you if I'll be in Yogyakarta for a day. I'm still confused should I contact you or not.

January 13th, 2022

The House of Raminten, Yogyakarta

Finally we met. A very awkward meeting. But I'm happy I can meet you. You still look the same. still look pretty. You should know before I choose to meet you I was so nervous. I'd be the most silly girl at that time. so funny to remember it.

November 20th, 2021

Her

Hey, how are you? are you busy? I need your help!

Him

Pretty good. Sure! How can I help you?

Her

I write an essay. I just need your 5 minutes to read it.

*send an essay with the titles " An Open Letter to Calm My Mind*

Hi YOU!

How’s there? Feeling better? I hope so.

Sebelumnya, I wanna say sorry if this things will get you annoyed. I know you’re going through hard time right now. I know you’re still dealing with yourself. I know it too well. But sorry my ego controls me. I choose to be selfish with saying this things. For simple reason, I wanna calm my mind and don’t wanna regret it someday. I’m sorry.

I know it’s not your first time to hear this things, but you should know this is my first time to tell someone about it. If you expect I’m fitria who met you in 2013, you’re wrong. I grew up a lot. Maybe she was an innocent, but now she’s learning to express what she feels.

It’s the second time you ignore me. The first time you ignored me several months ago I was so collapsed. Gimana bisa aku dan kamu yang stay in touch hampir 6 bulan atau lebih yaa tetiba jadi strangers dalam hitungan detik. Tiba-tiba kamu menghindar menjauh tak tersentuh haha. Back to the topic, sejujurnya aku tuh gk paham kenapa tetiba aku di ghosting wkwk. Tapi yang Namanya ghosting harusnya gak beralasan sih, but I’m a lil bit curious, Did you have someone new? Or maybe your ex tried to reach you again? Dan di sisi lain betapa bodohnya aku yang Keep wondering what I did wrong, blaming myself because don’t know what to do and crying. I bet you didn’t know how it feels. But, as time goes by, finally I forced myself to realize that you’re just curious. It was just one-sided feeling. You showered me attention because you’re really cared with your friends. I tried to move on but I moved slowly because sometimes I still miss you. I miss your name popped up on my notifications. I miss our conversations. I miss your attention.

Then, you came again when I finally take a new step. Honestly, I felt happy when you contact me again. It’s like I got what I asked in my prayer. But it goes again. You did the same thing twice ‘ignoring me’. I don’t know why but finally I’m used to it. Hey, we’re adult. If you don’t like me, please tell me. If you don’t wanna talk to me, please don’t ignore me. I think we’re alike so that’s why I fall for you easily. I’m okay if you don’t contact me every minute or hour because I don’t like someone texts me 24/7. I think you don’t like someone getting too attached with you and so do I. I hope I know your condition once a day and that’s really enough. Just tell me if you’re busy or can communicate for several days.

I am 26 almost 27 and it’s not time for me to play anymore. No, I am not asking you to have any relationship with me. I know you’re still busy with your career and everything that happen in your life. You’re not ready for commitment. I know it too well. But I just wanna make it clear everything. I guess you’d know how I feel towards you. I think I showed up too much. It’s impossible if you don’t know it, haha. I know I’m stupid girl who fall for you from the text even if we’ve never met since 2014. I don’t know when I start having this kind of feeling. Maybe since you sent me a birthday cake atau mungkin jauh sebelum itu? I don’t know. Sebenernya from the first time you texted me, aku udah buat batasan that we’re just friend. But when we started talking everything, saling berbagi kabar, finally aku lupa batasan yang aku buat. I change my mind and make you as a special one. How stupid I am!

I bet you know I admire you but it doesn’t mean you can hit and run me. Please don’t do it. It’s cruel and I don’t like it! So pleaseee help me get to know your feeling. Please say that we’re friends, you don’t have any feelings toward me and you don’t wanna be with me. It helps me a lot to erase this feeling. Then, Stop texting me, berhenti bertanya kabarku dan keluargaku. I can make it sure we’re still friends but gimme time to let you go. So please let me heal myself first and let me close this book, open another book and meet new one. This feeling really hits me too bad. I’ll contact you later when I can deal with my feelings.

Lastly, Thank you for reading all of this shit things that I try to tell you since few months ago. Finally I did it.

The girl you didn’t want,

F N

Hi hi ... it's gloomy tuesday. disini hujan seharian lhoo. sama kayak perasaanku yang lagi kangen banget sama your presence. harusnya ud...

Hi hi ...

it's gloomy tuesday. disini hujan seharian lhoo. sama kayak perasaanku yang lagi kangen banget sama your presence. harusnya udah gak lagi kayak gini but sometimes I still miss you.

sometimes I dreamt of you. Tapi parahnya di dalam mimpi pun kamu mengabaikanku. Sebesar itukah kamu membenciku? Parahnya aku sampai detik ini tidak pernah tau letak salahku dimana

You should know it's really hard for me to forget you. Why? It's simple. Because I always remember you as a good person, a nice guy. Kamu tidak pernah membuatku sebal kecuali susahnya aku untuk menghubungimu. But as I said before, it doesn't bother me. Jadi semua yang aku ingat adalah hal baik tentangmu.

I still remember your birthday wishes in my birthday. Rasanya jika kamu tidak peduli denganku kamu tidak akan melakukan itu.

the last time I tried to reach you aku bener-bener berharap diantara kita semua nya clear dan akan kembali baik-baik saja. sayangnya it left read till now. seharusnya kamu memberi respon. meskipun jawabanmu tidak, i will accept it. eh no response is also a response riaa. please remember it. 

Tapi kamu memberinya respon, kenapa itu tidak berlaku denganku?

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Happy birthday  Happy birthday to you Happy birthday YOU the one I like the most ...

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday Happy birthday 

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday YOU

the one I like the most

the one I adore the most

the one who've never be mine

the one who left me crying

I know your birthday is still on September but I choose to write your birthday wishes a month before your birthday.

When I write this words, I really wish you the best in love, in life, in your career and everything

Wish you always be happy, healthy and wealthy. 

Wish you will have a wonderful year ahead.

May all your dreams comes true

Once again, happy birthday

I hope you're always be surrounded by a good people

Hey 

sometimes I still miss you. but what can I do? Nothing

Just scroll your social media and hope I can find something about you

then I always sound to my self "He's not into you, He's just curious"

but sometimes I feel you're not okay, something happened in your life and that's why you choose to do that, isn't it?

It's funny, right? I keep denying although I've already known the truth.

I just hope if someday you read this sh*t things, you'd know that I've been struggling to let you go

Hari ini aku menangis lagi, tepat dihadapan keluargaku. Rasa yang terlalu sesak dengan beban pikiran yang datang silih berganti membuat air ...

Hari ini aku menangis lagi, tepat dihadapan keluargaku. Rasa yang terlalu sesak dengan beban pikiran yang datang silih berganti membuat air mata ini tidak bisa ditahan lagi

Sepertinya aku merindukanmu lagi. Untuk kesekian kalinya. Dan masih dengan pertanyaan yang sama "why did you do that? What did I do wrong? Please tell me" oh no, I am crying again rn. HELP ME PLEASE ...

aku baru saja menemukan akun twitter sahabatmu. Tujuannya satu : mencari tahu kabarmu. Aku yang terlalu patah hati ini masih tidak sanggup untuk melihat namamu. Aku hapus facebookku, aku nonaktifkan main account instagramku, aku block akunmu dan akun kerjamu, aku hapus nomermu. Semua aku lakukan hanya untuk membantuku melupakanmu.

tapi rasa rinduku mengalahkan pikiran sadarku  aku milai mencari cari berita tentangmu. Akhirnyaa aku menemukan setitik pencerahan. Tanggal 7 Juni tepatnya sahabatmu mengatakan dia cemburu dengan seseorang yg mengatakan "kesedihamu bisa kamu bagi setengahnya denganku lhoo". Dan aku tahu pada tanggal itu kamu sedang tidak baik baik saja tapi seperti sikapmu sebelumnya kamu enggan bercerita denganku. Dan aku yang bodoh ini baru saja tahu ternyata ADA SESEORANG DI DEKATMU YANG BISA KAMU AJAK BERBAGI CERITA SECARA LANGSUNG. Pantas saja kamu bercanda "aku mau ke jombang tapi gk jadi mau". Ternyata itu adalah jawaban yang selama ini aku cari. Memang aku hanya bisa menemanimu dari jauh. Mungkin itu yang membuatmu enggan berbagi denganku. Lalu kenapa aku bodoh masih menunggu dan mengharapmu saat ini.

Saat ini aku mulai menyalahkan diriku sendiri. I blame myself because I don't know. I still don't know what I did wrong. Oh God, please help me. Sepertinya aku bahkan sudah tidak sanggup lagi

Please help me